It’s not that hard really, this whole thing about faking being an adult. Well, it is, but it isn’t. I guess it all depends on how you live your life and what kind of cards you were dealt at birth. I try to treat the whole endeavor as if I were an alien incognito, straight from outer space, or maybe a foreign national, trying desperately to not stand out. You know, watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books, talk to people, practice the vernacular, immerse myself in the culture, etc.
Quick disclaimer: As you might have picked up on already, I’ve struggled with anxiety over the years, which means I have a tendency to catastrophize everyday situations like the one I’m about to describe to you, but I’m on the mend, and I’ll share more about what that means exactly in future posts.
Anyway, just like anything, persistence is key, as I know from personal experience over the past year. I’m learning Mandarin right now because my wife’s from Asia and we fly across the Pacific Ocean each year to visit her family, and I’d like to be more conversational with her parents and family beyond just saying ni hao ma and xie xie. Learning another language is tricky though, especially one without a Germanic or Latin context for us English speaking folks, even when you have in-laws and friends of the family encouraging (or nonchalantly mocking) you while you stumble your way through casual practice with them, telling you how good (or average or terrible) you’re doing.
I’m sure I somehow ingratiated myself to a few folks when trying my best to piece together their language, but there were also a few—let’s call them, beginner’s moments. For instance, about a week into our trip last year, I had to go to urgent care for acute sciatic pain, and the doctor informed me that I likely herniated a disc—this is after laying 3,000 pounds of ground stone in our back yard a few days earlier back in the U.S.—and that I needed prednisone. After he looked me over and gave me my prescription note, I proudly bode him farewell by saying zai jian, which literally means see you later. And my mother-in-law promptly advised me that it’s not commonplace in their country, or perhaps any country, to tell a doctor that you’ll see them again soon, or that you’d even want to. The feeling’s probably mutual, come to think of it.
There were a few other awkward interactions of this kind, but the kicker was when I had to use my brother-in-law’s bathtub to soak in after a particularly strenuous session of physical therapy, recommended by my wife’s friend, again, because of my slipped disc. My wife’s parents don’t have a tub in their flat, so my wife took it upon herself to politely ask my brother-in-law’s wife, her husband (my wife’s brother) being out of town, if we could come over so I could take a quick dip. Everything went great the first time: My wife and I were in and out of their high rise home without a hitch. The second time (yes, there was a second time), not so great: I took the bus to the physical therapist, and a comedy of errors ensued that made us late in showing up to their place. She and her children came home after a night out, having given us the courtesy of their house to ourselves. And like most mothers of young children, she probably just wanted to come home and get her kids ready for bed, but by that time, my wife and I were still lurking about, with me still in the bath tub. Not the biggest inconvenience ever, mind you, but almost certainly annoying. My wife knocked on the bathroom door and told me to hurry up, which I did. I quickly dried off and changed, grabbed my stuff, and came out of the bathroom, and as I turned the corner to leave, I said in a fairly apologetic tone dui bu qi, which means I’m sorry, before thanking her and scrambling out of the door. Probably not the most impactful apology I’ve ever uttered, although I think it’s the only one I’ve given in earnest in another language. I might have had a better time handling the situation if it had happened in the language I grew up speaking, but such is life…
I filed this experience in the try-hard-not-to-repeat-but-don’t-beat-yourself-up-over-it folder in the back of my mind. Life is filled with (un)magical moments like these, where others’ expectations don’t align with ours, or vice-versa, and some degree of compromise or acceptance is required on our part—and almost certainly more so when there’s a barrier in communication. Looking back on it, as someone who’s recovering from conflict avoidance and a splash of neurosis, the management of expectations like these has been the single most confusing and challenging area of my life and relationships. I mean, it literally took me a month or so to get over the embarrassment of imposing upon my brother-in-law’s family.
One of the hallmarks of adulthood, I’ve learned over the years, is being able to live comfortably in the gray areas of life. I’ve found it’s less common for a choice or an attitude or a perception of something, whether significant or otherwise, to be absolutely right or wrong, or black or white, given the circumstances. It’s more often a question of personal values, some with a bit more social consensus surrounding them and some with less. When I was younger, I sort of thought and lived however I wanted, but my transition from adolescence into adulthood and beyond has taken me down a long and winding road of caring both quite a bit—perhaps too much—what others think of me and how my behavior affects them, and caring far, far less in middle age out of sheer necessity, due to limited bandwidth as a new husband and father, barring completely selfish or criminal behavior. Sidenote: It’s funny how a meaningful family life puts things into perspective far better than my single years ever could have.
I guess when all is said and done, trying to practice Mandarin while imposing on my brother-in-law’s family may not have been the best use of my time, but there are far worse misadventures to get tangled up in. Working on (not) being overly self-critical and naïve are at the top of my adulting to do list. And I already have a plan for next time: If I throw out my back again while visiting my in-laws, I’m going to, first, go easier on myself and, second, just go to a spa or get a membership at a gym with a nice cozy hot tub.